Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there.
On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film.
Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night.
Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane.
Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got".
To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
I don’t get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped…
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?
Can’t hear a vitamin
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
I went to a zoo that only had a bunch of pandas
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.
I think she's a keeper.
An ancient mathematical joke
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"