Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Boss: “How good are you at PowerPoint?” – Me: “I Excel at it.” – Boss: “Was that a Microsoft Office pun?”

Me: "Word"

Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike

You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway

My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”

Strange way to start a conversation….

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.

We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.

Never iron a four leaf clover…

You don't want to press your luck…

Car-son

What do you call a mute bodyguard?

A silent knight.

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

Heart Shaped Box

https://ift.tt/2XJNZED

My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” by the Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first, I thought she was kidding….

But then I saw her face.

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound” “With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?” “Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…” “Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.” “Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…” “On my way!”

Excel

https://ift.tt/33iOaY5

In theatres 2019!

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”