Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
Strange way to start a conversation….
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
You don't want to press your luck…
A silent knight.
He was a neck romancer.
“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound” “With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?” “Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…” “Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.” “Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…” “On my way!”
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
I'll go on ahead.
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
Because they don't have the right koalafications
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
I said "No, it doesn't".
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
It was in the middle of 9/11.
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
the snow balls
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
He made a grave mistake.
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
But when I do, he laughs
"Well, at least you could try."
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
But whiskey will double your vision.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
But I’m clean now.