Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
I
J
How can you tell all ants are female?
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
What is the german word for constipation?
Fahrfrompoopin
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. “Well…” he said. “It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it.”
"And he won?" I asked. "Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
Gamers these days have no patience.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
I heard my son’s first words today
"Dad where have you been?"
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
