body mods bad boomer good
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north…
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
Why did the chicken cross the road? Maybe to buy from me…maybe to be sold
Why did the chicken cross the road? Maybe to buy from me…maybe to be sold
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate