*bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk*
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
German, Englishman, and Irishman
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Why did Donald Trump’s hair not blow off in the wind?
Because he dodged the draft.
Date night with my wife and as she’s reading the menu she asks, “Is anything popping out at you?”
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line!
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
I for one, like Roman numerals
No text found
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
We’re bringing back Memeless Mondays!
A few months ago, we tried out a concept known as “Memeless Mondays”, where, you guessed it, (most) memes are prohibited every Monday. Specifically:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found with a quick Google search for keywords, or isn’t an edit of an easily googlable template, you’re probably okay.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Response to this was generally very positive, and allowed higher quality content to shine once a week. The only reason for its abandonment was lack of available moderation – we have that now, so it’s coming back!It’s been a while, so if you have any concerns or suggestions regarding MM, leave them below. Otherwise, see you Monday.
Why do religious people not like trigonometry
Cos it's a sin.
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
"Is this her first child?" he asked. "No this is her husband"
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.