How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl.
Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
The first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France
They were cooked in Greece
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
I decided to learn sign language.
It’s surprisingly very handy.
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy.
But he really saved the History channel.
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day
In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death. On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together. The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000." The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000." The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.