Boom! Gotcha
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.
From a distance they looked like hares.
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”
Then she did and my day was ruined.
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
(My dad literally just told me this joke) A friend of mine just bought a hand gun from a t-rex.
He’s a small arms dealer.
I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
Did you hear about the short psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant…
The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer. The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?” The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
