BOOM ROASTED
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale,..
You won’t get a weigh with this!
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
