Boomer bad, environment good
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
Dirty Old Man Joke #536
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered – 'Is that one word, or two?'
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
That’s why she is so good at video games…
https://ift.tt/2TKU5D7
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches. The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out. The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches. The bartender thinks, "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard last night." He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out. Third night in a row, the bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches. The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically, "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant
A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol…
One gent stops to discuss the matter: “See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?” “Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing. “Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?” The nun thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.” “Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?” “I’ve heard something about a… Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.” “Comin’ right up, Sister!” The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- “A Fuzzy Navel with a twist of le— IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”
Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?
I'm asking for a friend.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.