Boomer cartoon found on instagram
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
Looks like reindeer!!
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
Now I’ve just got beer…
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
It’s only the first date.
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
A garbage truck.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That idea was immediately shot down
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
They're always up to something.
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
You are not alone
I have a hunch it might be me.
Then I could sleep longer.