Boomer cartoon found on instagram
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?
It’s only the first date.
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
My kids treat me like God.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
I don’t trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
