Boomer Cat doesn’t need new-fangled technology
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
No text found
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”
What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
He’ll be up all night.
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.
I wish I was a lost redditor
No text found
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Why do pornos always end with the guy coming?
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Did you know that Iron Man is really just Fe male?
No text found
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.