Boomer Cat doesn’t need new-fangled technology
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!” Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just….transparent”
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
It would have been 578 million views, but…
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”.
The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro… proo… problem?" The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back." The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha…thaaa…that's im… immm… imm… po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"
You have my Word.
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
I didn't even know they could knit!
He asks his father "Dad, am I more black or Jewish?" "Why do you ask?" says the father "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and was wondering if I should talk him down to $40 or just take it."
Dam right they are.
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Too many handshakes
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room. "Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now" Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims: "Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!" The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible. "Really? Then how do you explain this?" He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds. "I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please." And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar. The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep. Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing. Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning. "I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime." "B-but how come they didn't take me?!" "Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke" (translated from Russian)
That was not a good sign.
It’s a dream job
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
… until you get it.
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
No more jokes about the profit.
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
No text found
We’re a cover band.
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
It’s usually the other way around.