Boomer Cat doesn’t need new-fangled technology

…but if you ask me he tastes saviory

My bank account.

Their careers were in ruins.

"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.

Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”

I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…

Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.

me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]

https://ift.tt/2tNUDsZ

Dark, isn’t it?

Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

What is the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck

It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”

What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.

Don't tell my boss I said that.

I don't want to comb placate things.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

But I don’t have enough karma

"Big fan"

Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

He's a seasoned veteran.

"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

I just really love dick.

My buddy Brian does it for me.

Because it’s the scenter

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

Saint Nickel-less!

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again." Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"

I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.

Restaurant in peace

I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"

Mississippi.

Laziness walks in my family.