Boomer Christmas Humor
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
A small medium at large
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs. Me: sigh Yeah… my dog has a real problem.
To look more ap-peel-ing!
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
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He kicked the habit.
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
There would be mass confusion.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
A rip off.
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Because they're really good at it.
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
It'll always be stationery.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
They can't handle the stakes.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
I named the second one Repeat.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
He was afraid of Capitalism.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
In China some dogs are E-10
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I guess I really am independent!