Boomer Christmas Humor

Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying

They’re free of charge

r / m e m e s b a c k a t i t a g a i n

My computer said my password is insecure.

Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.

My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…

“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.

My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’

I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.

“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"

Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?

Santa Claws

I’m glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence.

On top of one rounded rectangular iPad

Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.

I said, “is that a fret?”

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

My neighbors started makes sex videos.

They just don't know it yet.

What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marx-man

My wife kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry…

I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.

Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.

I slipped on a bag of vegetables.

I rest in peas.

[NSFW] So my friend pays someone every month…

[…] to pee on him whenever he wants. It's his monthly streaming service.

Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper….

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!" So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" "Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"