Boomer humor at it’s finest
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
The only doctors we can afford for now! [received from a friend south of the border]
https://ift.tt/2xjbhpm
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
A man walks in through the front door after work
and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing. "Woah woah woah…what gives?!?" the man says. The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up. "I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!" his wife exclaims. She presents a small slip of paper with a woman's name and some digits on it. "That?!? Honey it's the name of a horse I'm betting on this weekend! Come on!!" Defeated, she apologizes and retreats back to the den. The next day the man gets home from work, and low and behold she lunges at him again as he walks through the door, smacking him left and right even more violently than the day before, shouting obscenities he didn't even know she was capable of. "Jesus what did I do this time?!?" the man bellows with his arms guarding his face. "The HORSE called!"
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
https://ift.tt/2HlJjLn
Just sold my homing pigeons on eBay.
For the 22nd time.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
Wife is pregnant
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
My 4 Year Old is Working on Her Material…
Her – Knock knock! Me – Who's there? Her – Hungry! Me – Hungry who? Her – Hi hungry, I'm dad!
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
A millennial buying a home
No text found
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
No text found
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm