Boomer humor at it’s finest
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
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You shouldn’t watch any horror movies today
It May, Fri 10 you.
I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.
Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him “Did you go to Harvard?”
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault, Ebola wasn’t Obama’s, Sars wasn’t Bush’s
And only a handful of Herpes cases was Clinton's
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire. The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket! After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
A cowboy appears before St. Peter.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
