Boomer humor in a nutshell.
Most puns make me feel numb.
Math posts make me feel number.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day there’s a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, “Mr Driver I haven’t had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?” The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. “Boss. We have a problem here.” “What is it?” says his boss. The trooper explains he’s stopped a limo for speeding. “You know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? I’ve caught a big fish”. “Well who is it man?!” exclaims the sergeant. “He’s a big fish!” says the trooper! “Well who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!” “Bigger fish than that!” says the trooper. “Tell me who it is! Is it a senator?!” “Bigger!” “The governor?!” “BIGGER!!” “Tell me or I’ll have your badge officer!!!” SCREAMS the sergeant! “I don’t know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!”
After sex I like to cook for my husband….
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
Browsing reddit on mobile? Place your device on your body.
r/dadjokes on you!
After a date
Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
![[MEME] When Hitchcock and Sculley are called to action](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ndvo77ka73x41-400x551.jpg)
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
Just sold my homing pigeons on eBay.
For the 22nd time.