Boomer humor starter pack
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trappedβ¦
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
A kid asks his mom:
Mom, whatβs dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?" 'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
Why did God create Adam before Eve?
He didnβt want any advice on how to do it
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
People say circumcision doesnβt hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldnβt walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
I debated a flat earthier once
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. Heβll come around eventually
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.
I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store…
He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor. As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager. When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile. One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday. Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president. Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake. There was no punch line.
I don’t trust stairs
They are always up to something.
I for one, like Roman numerals.
No text found
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think Iβve been in a damn whorehouse. The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?' Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.β
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage