Boomer in classbook
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
It takes guts to be an organ donor
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How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him it’s easy as pi
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
I bought two left hand gloves
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
Pho Getaboutit
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult, there is a person that knows that all of it is bullshit but in a religion, that person is long dead.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much…it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300Armani leather shoes.. . How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red… He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight…' Luigi gasps, 'Thank God … I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes……….!'.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.
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