Boomer joke on my colleagues’ WhatsApp group
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I’m a cop
I go under cover.
It’s a “T” for “Trump”
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
Add btomine to uranium and hydrogen to get Br2UH ITS BRUH CHEMICAL
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
Shamelessly stolen from facebook
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
My wife says she’s like a microwave.
She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. " The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. " The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going" You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
Magnets: I want to commit diamagnetic
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
There was a spider on my desktop but it’s under control now.
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
“Literally all your pointers are uninitialized!” Yeah, and your point is?
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
Found on my aunt’s Facebook
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
Concern for health bad. Boomer skeptic good.
Germany confirms that Trump tried to buy firm working on coronavirus vaccine
R u sure?
Why can’t Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
oh the 60’s
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”
Then she did and my day was ruined.
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Why is the calendar worried?
Because its days are numbered
The root cause of many things (x-post from /r/justgamedevthings)
If Programming Languages Were People
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
What do you call dental x-rays?
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
This was my fav line in the movie
Haha men = gross
Calling all good Christians!
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Life on Stack Overflow
Coronavirus told through emojis
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
Well boys, we did it. Legacy software is no more
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Make America great…
It Would Be a Shame…
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
Self-isolation day 3: Builds are now hooked up to house lights.
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman but he was too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship.
One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought… “She’s probably dreaming about me, and you know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. “What the hell was that?”, Wonder Woman asked. “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”, Invisible Man answered.
Dating a programmer
Coffee is our nectar of life
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.