Boomer marriage
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
What did the old tile roof say to the new tile roof?
Repairs will be futile.
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
Because I’m British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn’t be offensive
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things…
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe….
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit… Cindy has a dick.”
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.