Boomer penguins
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re always stuffed.
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
You’re good, how am I?
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long.
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
How do you get a Redditor to click a post?
No text found
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 or 2? 2 or 3?
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
I angered two people by callling them hipsters…….
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
You say the punchline first
How do you ruin a joke?
I’ve got a hen who can count her own eggs…
She’s a mathamachicken…
Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there. On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film. Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night. Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane. Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got". To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”.
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.
The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows." "Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown." "And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color." The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed." "Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains. "Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here." The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs. The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay. "Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters. "I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
I just don't buy it.