Boomer posted this on Instagram.
Exactly how much did that Christmas Party cost?
It’s down, guys.
And that solution doesn’t work for u😈
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
SQL is simple
More liberal media bias
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
Our consistently awesome potus
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
*object falls* energy:
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
…we’re going to need an update to this comic aren’t we
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat. The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again. Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
My boomer UNCLE texted this to me the other day
Recursive ™ symbol
Trump supporters be like:
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
Grandma sent me this…
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
This has happened to me so many times
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
At first I thought that these jokes just weren't that funny. Then I realized that I'm depressed… and these jokes aren't that funny.
Coins good. Credit cards bad.
Okay, I am listening to you bro…
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
I need this
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
Someone clarified the Canadian F-35 marketing posters
What’re you implying?
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
Does this counts as “when pigs fly”? ’cause if it does I may have a hot date tonight.
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
found this while searching for wine mom memes
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
It sings and drives
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Bote good not think about woman
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
Trump: “No one could have anticipated this”
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
Republican’s ultimate alpha-male. More paranoid than a Kardashian of ruining his makeup.
guys i found a way to technically solve world hunger
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
Pretty much, yeah…
The posture of the Chinese in dealing with the Corona virus
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
hahahha it look like sex 😂
Wise words from grandma
Trump could easily stop his impeachment in the House
Black Mirror outdoing themselves
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
Ball and Socket joints
The only truth
Funny and sad
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”