Boomer puns
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
Never going drinking with Train drivers again……
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. "Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery". They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What About The Two At The Gate? Let's get them". You should see the marathon. The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting: "Please no! We are not dead yet".
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
We de-liver
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
I hade to remove my oldest dagger from my knife collection
It just didn't cut it anymore
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
