boomer shirt
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
https://youtu.be/zkcAPgm42-c
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
My 3 year old is constantly asking me questions about the new fish we got
He sure axolotl questions!
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight….
There would be mass confusion
Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
Superman is flying though the air super horny…
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
My girlfriend told me that she’s leaving because I’m too immature…
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
