Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
So they could Scandinavian
They both get stoned after sex
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
They can’t get rid of their bills
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
He sure axolotl questions!
It kept crashing with kernel errors.
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
Because it's not stroganoff.
The Bay of Pigs.
Because they have no body to go with.
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
My bosses tie
There would be mass confusion
I was like: What the Hellman
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Well, three can play that game!
A foot truck!
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
At least he told us to be positive.
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.