Boomer: The image
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.
After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions. “If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.” “Now, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?”
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine…
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
Goodbye Daddy !
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.” She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
WeWork’s Founder Adam Neumann Getting Owned by Masa Son of SoftBank
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPlCiS287k&t=3s
If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian
Then Soviet
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
No text found
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number