Boomer too afraid of his wife to speak.

Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
I’ve got two pet monkeys who share an Amazon account…
They're prime mates…
What do sprinters eat before races?
Nothing, they fast
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.

How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
This is the only joke I have ever thought of that was (maybe) worth reposting
Long ago, in a land with giants and dragons there lived a very successful man. He made his wealth trading furs, dire wolf cloaks, unicorn hide gloves, tanned kraken belts, dragon scale boots, he traded in them all. This man, however had stopped sitting for any reason, so he would often dominate a room with his tall stature and commanding presence. Why? You may ask, and that is simple, he would always fall out of any seat in which he sat. His mantra began as much as an explanation as it was a focus during long hours of debate, trade, or travel: ”I am bad at sitting.” Those around him believed him cursed, to find a seat was thought impossible. The man was simply very bad at sitting correctly, and due to his stubbornness he decided it was the chairs fault and not his own. This lead to many, often funny circumstances, and harrowing adventures. Using his vast wealth and political connections he sought help from the greatest mages of the east. The mages, certain they could create a chair of such comfort, and natural balance that there is no way the man could fail to sit in it properly. Alas, the man could not get comfortable or remain seated for more than a few moments, and thus he shunned the mages for their incompetence. After the unfortunate failings of the mages he traveled to the west, where the greatest warriors in all the realms of man made their homes. He went from town to town, seeking the greatest of all the warriors, he found and gathered the greatest swordsman, the greatest axe wielder, the greatest archer, the greatest tracker, and even the master of the arenas: who was the finest duelist in the world. From a traveling circus he gathered the best acrobats, those who could walk a quarter inch tightrope for miles without difficulty, with the ability to train others to do the same. The master swordsman was an ancient woman, who taught the merchant patience greater than any other man. The axe wielder trained him in strength, that he was among the strongest men on earth. The Archer taught him the bow, and to hold a steady position for hours, despite his body’s protests. The tracker taught him how to move lightly, he gained such control of his body he could traverse a lightly frozen pond without breaking the ice, or leaving a trace. The arena master taught him to duel, and how to maintain his focus in any circumstance. The acrobats taught him such balance that he could sit upon a sphere of stone, which sat upon a single spike of iron, and maintain this position for days. After years of training, and becoming one of the finest warriors, strongest men, best archers, most capable hunters, an equal to the master of the arena in a duel, and the third finest acrobat in the world, he still could not sit correctly in a chair. He could stand on a chair, he could sleep while balanced on the back of the chair, but he could not sit as he should. He tried for months, patient as the stone he would perch upon. After 17 more Moons, he decided that though he had not given up, perhaps he should seek knowledge and skill that man could not provide. He traveled far to the north, through frozen passes, over the highest mountains, and descended the deepest valleys. He had to hunt to survive, and all those he traveled with died on the untamed mountains. He moved boulders five times his size, he traversed hills that mountain goats would gawk at. In due time, he came to a great cave: the place he had lost so many friends – and so much time – to find. He ventured into the cave, searching for the great white dragon, said to be as ancient as time itself. Upon spotting the man, the dragon roared, loud enough to shake the mountains, and deafen any mortal, but the man stood firm, able to keep his calm in any situation. The dragon, seeing this, used magic to heal the old merchant’s ears, and said ‘What do you want, a human of such strength and skill to reach me, and such nerve as to not cower before me?’ Though the merchant did not understand the language of dragons, he thought he understood the intent of the question. The man said “I am among the wealthiest merchants of the world, the strongest men on this plane, the finest hunter, and tracker known to man, an equal to the legendary duelists of the world, yet I can not sit in a chair. The greatest teachers of men, and the best enchanters in the land could not train me, nor use magic to cheat me, into comfort, or even long term discomfort in a chair. I am simply bad at it. Unfortunately, the dragon did not know the human language very well, and due to gross miscommunication ate the man whole. However, the man did not die, as he lay in the stomach of the dragon, he simply waited, knowing his life had come to an end. Three days passed, the dragon feeling more and more ill as time went on. On the fourth day the dragon’s mate returned, and asked him what was wrong. The Ancient dragon of the north replied “It must have been something I ate, it’s just not sitting right”
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
What’s the best way to overcome depression?
Love it, so it leaves you as well.
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.

From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
Three dads are stranded on a boat
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.