Boomer too afraid of his wife to speak.
Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side. The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
A Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥
1000 soles were lost.
I’m amazed by dry-erase boards…
They’re remarkable.
Might be the first meme my dad has ever sent me, a tried and true boomerhumor staple
https://ift.tt/2XTcKOB
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
My dog ate my computer science homework
It took him a couple of bytes
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.
Turns out it was just another dad choke.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich." Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
What do you call a $1000 door?
A grand entrance
There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?” Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.” The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together…
One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge, Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night. Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast! Rob: you know how the ladies get talking about this sorta stuff… Dan: I’ll tell you what, mark the count on the outside of your door and I’ll do the same, no one else has to know… They go back up. Rob has sex 3 times, marks his door with lll and goes to bed. Dan comes around at 4 in the morning, barely able to walk, and looks at Rob’s door, and swears “Rob you son of a bitch! I wish my wife didn’t pass out, I was 6 away from your 111 !!”
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!" Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"