Boomer YouTube comment??
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?
They should call it joint custody
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t from there?
An artificial swedener (((Or "Swede-ish" as another user suggested)))
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” She asked, “Which doctor?”
"No, the regular kind."
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all…..
After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
Bang bang
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.