So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
He went ice skating before it was cool
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
A small arms dealer!
Man being a teacher is hard
"Well, you're half right."
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I told her we use names here
Would it then be called an Edison?
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
All the indoor fins.
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
No canaries there either.
They all have their faults.
I think they nailed it.
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
Because it was soda pressing.
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
Every day is a date.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "