"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
"Use the fork Luke"
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
I'm going to put my glasses on
It nuts and bolts
No text found
It's not your typical food sauce
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
I didn't think it was pause-able.
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
In the ark hives
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
For Hispanic attacks
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence