Boomers aren’t playing
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
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What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.
I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
Did you know Rick Astley was a huge Pixar fan? He will lend you any movie except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
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We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
