Boomers hate *flips through notes* wind energy now.
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
You know your dad has had one too many when
He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal His dance moves suddenly triple in number
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
Two twins have a race in the morning
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
My mute grandfather always said:
No text found
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
I’m assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.
Since she can't even beat an egg
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
You shouldn’t fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows…