Boomers just aren’t funny though
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
Without women sex would be
a pain in the ass
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
Why did the CEO of the underwear company cut the introductions short?
He wanted to keep things brief.
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
My son asked, “Where’s a good place to get my haircut?”
"From the top of your head, usually," I replied.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
Recently my son asked me why two turtles were playing piggyback.
That's when I knew it was time for the talk. 'Son', I said. 'Those are tortoises'.
Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean… how low can you get!
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.