Boomers just aren’t funny though
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms, no dates.
The Police
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
… condensed milk.
![Dunno if this works but [everyone liked that]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/gjrojo93dce41-400x497.png)
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.
I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said “is that dinner?” He said “No, I’m a sinner” And took it up stairs to fuck it.
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.
The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister. "Hmm, Yes it is" "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets" The minister just nods. A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion. He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says "You see that bridge over there?" The AP replies "No"
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
