Boomers trying to stay relevant by adding emojis
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
How do you make chocolate milk?
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
