Boomershoomer
A man walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble. The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?" The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it. Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye." The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet. The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye. Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up. "Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got… $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it." The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet. The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top. The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end. Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar. Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass. Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made. All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs. The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is." To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
I don’t trust stairs
They’re always up to something
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.
I might go if I have nothing on.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A Fizzician.
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Cause then it would be a foot….
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
Children in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
What do you call a Dog with no legs?
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
Dad – Hey, do you want to come over for a movie? I have already invited 17 people.
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
I combined laxatives and alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip."
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
Biker joke
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
…
My life…
Why was Batman in a hurry?
He had to go to the Batroom.
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
What’s red and bad for your teeth.
A house brick.
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.