Boooooooo, you stink
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
Thank goodness Reddit is back up
I was almost productive for a second there!
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
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Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
“Dad can you take your prosthetic off the table?”
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up." (my actual amputee father)
A man walks into a bar
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?” The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
I used to be a Christian
Woman: I used to be Christian. Man: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things. Woman: Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
My twin brother and I finally got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our Corona Beards.
He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number