because everyone's already Redd-it
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order." Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay…" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: "Still not over your brother?" Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay…" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: "More bad news I assume?" Guy: "Yep, uncle this time…" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?" Guy: "Yep….My Wife"
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
She said, "That's how it seams"
The second time let me down.
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
Or on Earth.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
She talks about him religiously.
A dead centipede
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
It would be "bad at following directions"
They might spike the punch.
Because they’re two tired
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
I'm all ears
It got toad away.
He fingered a minor.
So we can think about a solution in silence.