Born on this day in 1879, he developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
I can explain…
https://ift.tt/39ehIIv
Two guys are on opposite sides of a river.
One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" The other responds "You are on the other side!"
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies…
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr. “I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man. “Have you tried birth control?” “I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!” “Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?” “I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!” Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?” “I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
They were watch dogs.
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
If you think climate change is bad now wait until our aerosol hairspray usage goes up 5000%
https://ift.tt/2Qaa2Qp
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do. Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision."
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
Don’t mess with WIFE !!!!
Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper. Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper… Take my iPad…" Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach. Husband faints. Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.
A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.
He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." The goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in. "Can I have a cookie?", asks Grandpa. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa says, "As a matter of fact, it can!" The little boy replies, "Well then you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies."
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.