“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.
Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
He would boldly go where no man had gone before.
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
They both border on stupidity.
IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."
Its fucking FROZEN!
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
There, they’re, their.
I didn’t get the job.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
Thanks for the Baghdad
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
The difference is staggering.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I gave him a glass of water.
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Their only drawback is the string.
A law suit
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
He doesn’t want to be spotted
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
then I see why they call you handsome!
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
I just had to share it with everyone
It will come back to me.