Boss music
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
Finland has just closed its borders
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle
When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him. The guy looks at his situation…and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!" Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might". The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head. The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop. The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief. Then the voice from above speaks again.."NOW you're fucked".
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
A woman is pregnant with triplets.
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
What do you call an Egyptian doctor?
A Cairo-practor
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,
but I saw right through it.
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.