I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, βYou know, Iβd like another one.β
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
What do you call a nose with no body?
Nobody knows
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
Three vampires walk into a bar
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
One cosy Friday evening, my girlfriend said she wanted to watch Grease.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
What liquid is considered the fastest in the world?
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
βDad, are we pyromaniacs?β
βYes, we arson.β
A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He’s put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.
The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon. "That sure is a nice fire truck you got there." "Thanks," the boy says. The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. As the red wagon stops in front of him, the fireman observes, The fireman says, "Little pardner, I don't mean to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to hook that rope around the cat's collar, I bet he could pull harder." The kid answered, "I know, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Welcome to invisibility class.
Iβm pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.Edit: Proud of you guys! Thank you for following the rules!
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
What do you call a caring prostitute?
Someone who gives a fuck
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
Provided by my own mother (I left the page in on purpose, I feel like it sells it)
https://ift.tt/2VPRgkJ
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says βyouβve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?β The bartender turns to the band and yells, βFrank, Iβve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!β
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God Iβm the 1% that isnβt
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.