BOTTOM TEXT
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten, okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
What do you call an anteater that eats ants?
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!
I will find you, I have contacts!
An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I wanna get my hands on the fuckwad that pushed me in that water!"
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
I’ve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”
I work in a shop called The Masochist.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
I absolutely hate elevators…….
I take steps to avoid them
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
Do tree Poop?
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
what happens when the pope dies?
another popes up
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
https://ift.tt/2Y8K0BE
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.