I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
Big up our antibodies
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
Get out of the fucking road!
Climbing the ladder
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing. It is on the house.
What do houses wear?
that damn fad
The sky fairy will handle everything – The GOP
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
Share this on your facebook site shiela LOL
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
Is it just me or does this kid look totally unimpressed
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
Another take on pointing blame
Wait for it
So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says: "Hey. Why the long face?"
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
Photographic evidence of Obama shaking hands with a Russian asset
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
Dystopian future is already here
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
They’ve got a point… they never give the doctors credit
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
Keep your enemies close and your tests closer
Sums up the last couple months for me
Open for business
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
What did it cost? Everything.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
It has a fancy name but it’s still a spoiler, isn’t it?
F in the chat for Andrew Yang
My favourite Avengers
Trains important, wife not.
This is a hacking scene from the Netflix show El Dragón… 😂
Does this count?…
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
Really need this super powerful computer!
Football Man Bad!!!
Saw this in a video about an radioactive lava, not a comic strip though.
Now I know why we take physics, it’s to learn how to explode school
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
let’s not start about JS
Fastest way to annoy a Trump fan is to quote Trump.
Rape good, old lady lonely, I have colonoscopy booked tomorrow
I bet prostitutes cause temporary blindness.
All they do is flash and bang people.
You know its true
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him…
As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin! No blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming….that was me."
Dude, where’s my
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
Must be a play about ghosts
You can’t fix stupid
Found on Facebook (Of course)
Not having friends has turned me into a capitalist
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
Take Money out of Politics