Because he felt empty inside
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
Sadly, none of them work.
Send them some spam
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
Start in England and drive West.
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
Your Mercedes bends
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
I yelled, "Good guess!"
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)
Because you can't see in the dark
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
Hey! That's a salt!
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
They don't want to be spotted.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
Guess who came crawling back?