Bought some flatbread at the store.
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they're US AF
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX
https://ift.tt/34m76nI
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
So the doctor apologized to me for making me wait
I told him im patient
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo!
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Bros Vs. Hoes.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
How do you clickbait someone?
No text found
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
