Boy Blunder Indeed!
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
dad, Is battleship a fun game?
It’s hit or miss
Walk and chew gum
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
“b i O L o g Y”
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
Found on a bulletin board at work
When the humans are gone new evolution begins
One honorable Repug out of fifty three …
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot.
I’m so glad it was a soft drink
This always happens
they lied to me :(
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
Reality hitting hard!!
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
Blast from the Past
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
What do you call a pile of cats?
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
when you finally fix that bug
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
Just a thought…
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane!
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
Snowden brings the heat
Satan setting us to a trap we learned to love.
That laughing emoji though
My Papa and his political shirts again!
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
Good news, everyone!
The Free Market will take care of it
Gotta look in the mirror
Sadder or Funnier?
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
Please, don’t do this to your kids
Time to go vegan
Now that’s what I call a man of science !
One day it will unleash the hell
This feature would save so much time…
Because one of them is just completely unacceptable.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
“look over there”
"over where?" "I just made you say 'pants'…" (Made up by my 7 year old who never fails to giggle at "under where?" jokes)
Maybe sit this one out, Meghan.