boy genius
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
A man dies and meets God
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
As a scarecrow they said I was outstanding in my field..
But hey, it's in my genes.
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
A friend told me that he doesn’t understand how cloning works.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals…
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei 🖊
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
BECOMING IRISH
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
Why did God create Adam before Eve?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
