BPT is the “Who Did This” of Reddit
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
What’s your favorite thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex
Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you’re level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back for seconds
The next Minecraft movie will be a blockbuster
No text found
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
Why did the butcher quit his job and become a cattle rancher?
He wanted to raise the steaks.
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
A Donald Trump Joke
Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits. Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens!
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
Oh no… I copied the wrong document…
… it was an original mistake.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A man owned a small ranch in Montana,
One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs