BRAIN BAD. PHONE B A D
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
It’s gone spiral
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
What’s the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
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I could really see myself making mirrors.
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We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
