Brain Size = Small
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Iāve been seeing these all over my Pinterest. Theyāre cards on sale for about 14$.
https://ift.tt/2QZpNKM
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
A man in an interrogation room says āIām not saying a word without my lawyer present.ā
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so whereās my present?
Obama: “we continue to wait for a coherent national plan to navigate this pandemic”
https://ift.tt/2VzdwyN
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But Iām planning to give it a shot.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
Do not use ābeef stewā as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
https://ift.tt/2P1Qygl
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him itās easy as pi
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you donāt see medical students calling themselves doctorsā¦
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
Dad: Son, you’re adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are. Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…
…for advice about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock."
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
Itāll be called āMany Cures and Manicuresā
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
I couldnāt figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
