Brand new protein powder, not even filled half whey
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
Itโs not about reversing an election, the Electoral College already did that
https://ift.tt/32nvrZt
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
2 is a prime number against all odds.
No text found
What liquid is considered the fastest in the world?
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… โYou better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
Today, I crossed the street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, thatโs why I asked.
Sperm count
A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?!!!! " The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could open the jar."
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldnโt open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
Although my friend has a lot of hair, heโs paranoid about going bald.
I told him, โItโs all in your head.โ
I got the words โjacuzziโ and โyakuzaโ confused…
Now Iโm in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife….
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –