Bravely turned his tail and fled
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
Bilbo awoke one morning to find that a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic
Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic: There isn't any iceberg. There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean. The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon. There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg. We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly. The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg. We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them. We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors. Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats. I really don't think we need that many lifeboats. We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats. The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship. Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
I recently took a poll
I found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed.
I saw a fat bird down the pub
And her T-shirt said – Watch out, I'm a maneater! I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan." She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!" I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all." She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?." "That's not how you spell Manatee."
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
The bigger your feet, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick.
No wonder we're all terrified of clowns
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A centipede!
Husband: I don’t like three things about you. Wife: What things?
Husband: Your chin.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op