A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??" "Getting a proper sample size!"
Are my testicles black
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it