brb restarting
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr!!!
I’ll never forget my dads last words before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said
“Son”… “how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?” The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.
A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner. Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does. Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you." Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.
I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
