brb restarting
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
![In parts of Upstate NY, the [i] in words like “milk” is pronounced like an [e], like “melk.” This means that on Reddit, instead of getting “gilded,” you get…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/no_image_card-33-400x247.png)
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some assholes got my pen
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
At last I found some concrete IT support
https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."